Parenthood: Expecting the Unexpected

One of my favorite news stories dealing with marriage, love, and families was written in 1973 by Jenkins Lloyd Jones. However, when often quoted, one of my favorite parts (highlighted in blue) is left out:

"There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are jammed.

Old Train Ride of Life

Divine discontent is okay within reason, for most human progress is the result not of achieving happiness, but of pursing it . . . The whole thrust of advertising is to make us unhappy with what we've got and eager for something else.

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. Most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise . . . Life is like an old-time rail journey — delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

Click HERE to see the original article in its entirety ("Big Rock Candy Mountains, " Deseret News, June 12, 1973)

The reality is that change is the only one element in life that is constant, and running around crying foul does little to resolve or understand issues when they arise.

When my wife and I got engaged, we were both college students with little money, owning an old, beat up car with no working heater, a broken door, and unexplainable engine problems. We even had to borrow a car from a family member to go on our honeymoon for fear that our own would die in route. Yet, we were content with the situation. Of course, we never realized how difficult life could become in many ways years later, but I think we have learned to deal with unforeseen obstacles over time.

Current media, friends, and coworkers sometimes will  try to entice us into believing that if we're unhappy, we just need to seek out happiness in other places instead of trying to resolve issues that require a little less thinking of our ourselves and more about thinking of others.

Again, if we can just develop the patience and fortitude to expect the unexpected, then when (not if) dirt gets flown/thrown in our faces, we have the skills to deal with it better.

Communicating: It can be done!

When I sometimes hear young parents lamenting over the challenges of getting their toddler to eat their vegetables, I sometimes wish I could simply change places. I just don't have the heart to tell them how hard raising children could get when their cute, cuddly child might change into a snarly (teenage) porcupine. I'll let them figure that one out.

Now, I am extremely grateful for my kids, and now that I look back at our experiences over the years, I see each challenge as a gift in disguise.

One thing that parents sometimes encounter is the inability to communicate with children. We often are not pre-programmed with that gift, and our kids sometimes remind us of that; however, when an opportunity to bond with your teenage kids falls in your lap, you just can't ignore it.

I mean if your teenage daughter had a choice of doing anything with you---shopping, getting her hair done, sitting in front of the TV---and said that she wanted to spend the night in the mountains---SNOW CAMPING IN THE DEEP OF WINTER---what would you say, fathers?

There's only one thing you can say! "When do we leave?"

Grab the chance to talk with your daughter! It might not come around again, but she will certainly remember it!

How do I know? I've done it myself. An unforgettable experience to understand one another better and to communicate without all the distractions around us.

Forgiveness: A Building Block of Postive Relationships

An often seen quote whose authorship I am unaware sizes up one key element in good relationships:

"Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your blessings in stone."

It probably wouldn't take any one us but a moment to think of one (or many more times) in which you felt offended by the actions of others. This is very true of marriage and raising children, and too often we tend to hold grudges and treat the postal carrier or the guy handling your order at McDonalds with more courtesy and respect than are own family. 

In life, things happen, and mistakes are made. What we do next will often determine the outcome. Generally speaking, we often take several possible approaches, two of which are (1) holding the offense against someone because they somehow deserve it, and/or (2) we won't let the issue die until the person comes grovelling to us (i.e., we appoint ourselves judge over the situation).

Developing the skill to allow your hurts to be washed away requires very open communication, something with which I still need plenty of practice. However, harboring bitter feelings toward a spouse or children does nothing to foster positive feelings at home.

Funerals and Expressing Condolences

I work with international students who learning English to prepare to study at universities in the United States. In my class yesterday, the topic of my family came up, and a student ask me to invite my children to come, specifically with regards to my oldest son. (I had shared a story about him as I sometimes do about others in the family.). When I told the students that he had passed away last year, I could tell they didn't know what to say, and I reassured them that talking or asking about him was completely okay. For many, we often don't know what to say when someone dies, and for this reason, I created a listening conversation on this topic. I thought it might help in such situations: Funerals: Expressing Condolences

Be Persistent

Persistence is one attribute this is needed in life to make things happen. It is all too easy to give up when small roadblocks get in your way. Of course, there are times when major events in our lives (financial crisis, illness or death, loss of a job) can affect the course of our lives, but taking small steps can bring us back to the path we want to go. This past weekend, my wife and I ran the Huntsville Marathon in Utah, and it was a great experience. At times, we can question whether you will make it to the end, but even if you have to take slow, persistent steps in the right direction, you will eventually reach your goal.

The same can be said of raising a family: keep going, don't give up, keep loving your children in spite of what happens in their lives.

You will succeed.